bookmark_border[MyLife] Umzug ich komme…

So langsam geht es in die vollen… Die letzten Vorbereitungen laufen und heute erhalten wir den Schlüssel zu unserem Haus. Ja, richtig, meine bessere Häfte und ich haben uns ein Haus gekauft. Irgendwie klingt es noch utopisch und es ist auch noch wirklich so extrem viel zu tun… Seit ca. 3 Wochen leben wir zwischen gepackten Kartons/Taschen/Säcken. Haben versucht die Wände zu weißen so gut wie wir bisher ankamen. Der Rest muss dann gemacht werden…. Wir haben uns auch vorgenommen, ein Bautagebuch zu führen, so dass man richtig erkennt mit vorher und nachher Fotos und so…. Ich bin gespannt wie es wird. Es sind 2 Wochen Urlaub die ich habe, 2 Wochen in denen wir so viel schaffen müssen wie möglich… So, jetzt gehts zur Übergabe…

Wir sehen uns~
Fey

bookmark_border[MyLife] Missing You

I feel overwhelmed by everything. Smile? Just forced… The last few days I’ve been sleeping very badly, I dream every night. I feel the loss, the certainty and most of all the pain. The pain of you not being here anymore. I can only pull myself together and with difficulty to master everyday life. Simple tasks seem insurmountable. I know that time doesn’t heal wounds, it only makes it more bearable. I want to hide, I don’t want to see or hear anything or anyone. I just don’t want anything anymore. When I close my eyes I see your face, hear your voice and feel your embrace. I miss your closeness, I miss your heart.

bookmark_border[my Life] my first time with Gackt

Do you still remember the first song you heard? That one moment that ultimately changed your life? Unsuspecting, I stood in my favorite bookstore. It was time for the weekly acquisition of books. There it was, just like that on a cute little pile. The album Crecent by Gackt. Shrink-packed, of course. I remember picking it up and thinking [Hm … is that a man or a woman? Who is that?] And I thought about it really long. Because I used to buy books so often, I only had a certain budget for the week to spend on them. And this album pushed me to my budget limit. The standard was that I always left the shop with 2-3 new books. But if I bought this album, it would only be one book for this week. I found it difficult to decide. I mean, I didn’t know the artist. I didn’t know if his music was good and I would like it and for this uncertainty should I forego my beloved books for the week? They were all looking for a new home! (​​the books! :D) Then I put the album back aside and kept looking for new books. But I already noticed that I could no longer get involved so much in choosing new books. No book really interested me anymore, so I could have said: [Hey, I really want to read THAT!] I was standing at a loss in the bookshop and my eyes kept falling back on this album. So I decided to buy it. If I couldn’t find any interesting books anyway, I could safely buy this CD, despite the uncertainty whether I would like the artist or not. And that’s where it all started …

When I got to my apartment I was filled with anticipation, I didn’t know where it was coming from! I literally tore the foil off the album, took out the CD and put it in my player. Since I ran my playlist on //Random Tracks// before, it was still stored and instead of starting with the first track, my player jumped to track number 7. Lust for Blood THAT WAS IT! I stood rooted in the room, my jaw dropped and I couldn’t move. I just stood there paralyzed for the whole song and just listened to this arrangement of instruments and this voice that moved something deep inside me. When the song was over I noticed that tears were in my eyes. Confused, I wiped them away and was annoyed at myself for reacting to a song like that. I didn’t really notice the rest of the songs on the album. I was very busy analyzing myself. But since I couldn’t get any further, I played this one, very specific track again and sat on my bed. I listened to the music, I listened to myself and all I found was a longing that was greater than anything I had known in life before. A deep connection, this pain of being alone, this abysmal longing for this one moment … This voice from this artist evoked all these feelings in me. It took me a long time to recover from that first time with Gackt. I don’t think I’m a mentally unstable person myself, on the contrary. I’m self-critical and not exactly timid about that and sometimes I would see myself as emotionally dull, so it was all the more astonishing for me that this song aroused such emotions in me. And over the years it was still like that. This artist has accompanied me through my life from that moment on. There are times when I listen to his music every day until this longing grabs me. Then there are times again when I can no longer hear him, BECAUSE this longing grips me otherwise. But I know he (Gackt and his music) has become an important part of my life. He showed me what it means to really give everything and I am very grateful for that. What was your first time?

Sorry, but I just had to get rid of that. This memory has been buzzing around in my head for days and refuses to go away.

bookmark_border[MyLife] Damals und Heute – Darkness behind the Moon

Es vergeht momentan kaum ein Tag, an dem ich keine Kopfschmerzen habe oder mir mein Arm weh tun.
Aber es ist soviel zu tun. *seufz*

Ich habe in den letzten Tagen viele meiner alten Blogeinträge gelesen und habe echt schockiert festgestellt, wie negativ und pessimistisch ich zum Leben eingestellt war. Ich war wirklich verblüfft und es hat mich viele Tage beschäftigt. Oft habe ich mir die Frage gestellt, wann ich angefangen habe positiver zu denken. Wann hat das Leben angefangen Spaß zu machen und wann konnte ich Dinge auch einmal genießen anstatt mich immer irgendwo anders hin zu wünschen… Dann musste ich wirklich feststellen, diese Veränderung begann als ich meinen Ehemann kennengelernt habe. Wir hatten einiges an Auf und Ab – aber er hat mich vor mir selbst gerettet. Einmal mehr habe ich das erkannt. Ich liebe Ihn, für mich gibt es nichts schönes als in seinen Armen zu liegen und die Welt zu vergessen!

Dennoch werde ich auch diese alten, negativen Blogeinträge früher oder später auf [S2] übernehmen, denn schließlich sind Sie ein Teil von mir. Es war nicht leicht, aber aufgeben liegt mir nicht. Nicht mehr. Ich habe gelernt, was es bedeutet den Kopf nicht in den Sand zu stecken, neue Kraft und festen Mut zu fassen und egal welche Hürde mir das Leben entgegen wirft – ich steig drüber.

Das war es mal kurz von mir,
Feyna